DO WHAT YOU LOVE & FUCK THE REST

thoughts of my everyday life in New York City

I have a short memory sometimes. I forget very quickly what I had promised to do: write. Is such a breath of fresh air to do this sometimes, but I forget and that is because I also forget to live sometimes. Thanks to Ana_Q, to an email from my father and my addiction to 40 Days of Dating I thought today would be a good day to come back.

I’m siting with my laptop in a hotel room near Times Sq, overlooking the density of New York. The bed is not done, there are two empty cans of Red Bull sugar free next to me, a double dildo on the floor and Beautiful Mess playing in the back. I guess that if I was with a guy, there would be used condoms somewhere. So, obviously, last night I had sex with a woman. 

This woman is my girlfriend. Twenty-eight years older than me. We’ve been together for almost two years (fuck! thats long …) and last night I took her to see Beyonce live at the Barclays Center, and she took me to the hotel room I’m sitting in right now, trying to figure out my life.

I don’t like my current job. I’ve been looking for somehting new and found the (almost) job of my dreams. It has the environment, people and style I’ve always liked but not in my faborite design field. Wich is fine. They asked me to design an app so that they could decide wether I’m good enough for them and after a week, I still haven’t started. 

I’m fucking disappointed in myself. I have the opportunity and like an idiot, I’m not taking advantage of it …

I think is because I’m not comfortable with my life. I don’t have a place to work on this app, for a week I’ve been going from Starbucks to Starbucks trying to get things done, and now, sitting in this hotel room, I secretly wish this was my apartment. 

By the way, I’m moving to wordpress

"Querida Cristina,
he decidido hacerte esta carta porque mereces saber que nada es culpa tuya, simplemente todo ha cambiado y no sé decirme por qué. Te adoro pero no, no puedo seguir contigo. Lo cierto es que te he mentido y eso no es lo peor, lo peor es que llevo haciéndolo desde el primer día y lo más ridículo es que también me he mentido a mí mismo creyendo que por fin te había encontrado. Adoraba cómo pasabas de enfadada a enamorada en cuestión de segundos, me encantaba tu piel y el olor a crema hidratante cada vez que me abrazabas, adoraba el modo en que decías sí a todas mis locuras, no podía vivir sin tus abrazos constantes, me encantaba cuando te burlabas de mis tonterías y eso te hacía estallar en mil sonrisas, disfrutaba sin hacer nada, matando el tiempo, paseando, besándonos, adoraba tantas cosas de ti.. En cambio, ahora odio tus cambios repentinos de humor, detesto cuando te pones esa crema hidratante y me tocas con la piel pegajosa, odio tu poca iniciativa y que digas sí a todo, me agobia que quieras estar siempre pegada a mí y me enfurece que te burles de mis cosas y encima te rías, me aburre estar sin hacer nada perdiendo el tiempo. Por eso no puedo seguir contigo, porque cometí ese error que comete todo el mundo de creer que eras quien yo quería que fueras; de, sin conocerte, decirte que eras la mujer de mi vida, de pensar que eras mi una entre un millón porque eran más mis ganas de encontrarte que las de estar contigo. Pero no has sido tú la única engañada, yo también me creí que eras para siempre, que serías mi antes y mi después, lo que siempre había soñado. Sé que me volverá a pasar, me volveré a mentir, volveréis a parecerme todas las anteriores en insight y volverá a parecerme todo increíble. Me veo mintiéndome otra vez, equivocándome, pero ya no contigo, ya no contra ti.
Lo siento mucho, te deseo lo mejor.
Marcos.”
"The he mentido" - cortometraje dulcineastudios

On friday we went out to dinner and talk about our recent (but permanent) issue: out age difference. Depp in out conversation I said that if she was younger, I would tell my parents about our relationship. She took it really bad because it made her felt less than and question what are we doing with our relationship now. 

We both shut down when things happen. We barely look at each other, don’t kiss and sleep on completely opposite sides of the bed. 

On saturday we didn’t talk during the day and at night we argued. The more we argue, the more I go angry. To the point that I found it hard to talk and express myself. We got to a point that I din’t want to talk to her anymore, so I got up and closed myself in the bathroom. I don’t know for how long but I was just crying and crying and crying. For everything: the mixed emotions, her reaction, the pressure I felt of having to tell my family as well as pain for hurting her.

She called me twice to come out but never came in. This got me even more angry because I know she did everything for Tess. She went to her job, she went after her on Henriettas… and all thigs thigns. It makes me wonder if maybe I’m not as important, or she doesn’t take me seriously. what is it to get up and walk 4 steps to the bathroom?? 

I end up coming out and she was asleep. I got my things hestitating if I should leave or no. When I was opening the door to leave she called me and said where am I going. I felt so week that I just went to the bed, sat next to her and cried while she huged me. 

madeintechnicolor:

Just got my design on Fab.com! get it HERE!
“Bull Fucking Shit” is a piece inspired after an extraordinary woman, who among many other unique contradictory qualities, has the shockingly innate talent of combining swear words in the most creative way possible.
#equalloveequalrights

I send my first invoice today!! Its official, I’ve started Freelancing!

One of my roomates (a guy) speaks to his mom every day.

Sometimes, people look at us more than usual, and is because of our age difference. Is too obvious, or maybe I’m just obsessed with it.

A new bar/restaurant opened for “femme” lesbians. Its is true, that here in new york there really isn’t much options. There is Henrietta Hudson, a bar for older lesbians of all kind but mostly butch and manly looking, out of trend and not good looking. On fridays there is there is Stonewall, a tipicaly gay men bar but just on fridays lesbians of all kind (mostly young) and great music. Cubbyhole is a place to hang out, always packed and very welcoming. 

This new bar, the dalloway, is for femme trendy woman. Lesbians like me, that don’t have short hair or look like a boy. Femenine looking, with curves, interest in fashion and trendy.

K and I planned on going last night and once there, I felt shy and didn’t want to go in. I did wan’t people seeing us together …

is this bad?

Last night we stayed up until 2 a.m. kissing, making out, eating nutella, laughing, making love, having sex … I fall in love with her all over again. 

Today we are both exhausted but with that exhaustion in my face (or the lust from the day before) a guy wink at me in the subway; another guy stoped and said:

"you look beautiful tonight. Do you have a boyfriend?"

- “No, a girlfriend”

"is there anyway I can be involved in that??"

- “I don’t think so”

And on the way home, two more guys smiled at me.

This is not normal.